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Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

RUSHLAND, PA—After chipping away at her 2013 income tax return Thursday evening by entering her full name and current address into the appropriate boxes, Christine Brooks, 26, announced her intention to take a quick break. “I hate to stop the momentum I’ve built up since I started sinking my teeth into this 1040, but it’s important to clear your head from time to time so you don’t end up making any careless mistakes,” said Brooks while attempting to unwind from her session of tax preparation by watching two episodes of House Of Cards. “If I have any gas left in the tank after dinner, I’ll get right back to it and take a stab at putting in all nine digits of my social security number.” At press time, Brooks was ready to set the forms aside for the night and get some rest so that she could get a jump on marking her marital status tomorrow.

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