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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

RUSHLAND, PA—After chipping away at her 2013 income tax return Thursday evening by entering her full name and current address into the appropriate boxes, Christine Brooks, 26, announced her intention to take a quick break. “I hate to stop the momentum I’ve built up since I started sinking my teeth into this 1040, but it’s important to clear your head from time to time so you don’t end up making any careless mistakes,” said Brooks while attempting to unwind from her session of tax preparation by watching two episodes of House Of Cards. “If I have any gas left in the tank after dinner, I’ll get right back to it and take a stab at putting in all nine digits of my social security number.” At press time, Brooks was ready to set the forms aside for the night and get some rest so that she could get a jump on marking her marital status tomorrow.

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