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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

RUSHLAND, PA—After chipping away at her 2013 income tax return Thursday evening by entering her full name and current address into the appropriate boxes, Christine Brooks, 26, announced her intention to take a quick break. “I hate to stop the momentum I’ve built up since I started sinking my teeth into this 1040, but it’s important to clear your head from time to time so you don’t end up making any careless mistakes,” said Brooks while attempting to unwind from her session of tax preparation by watching two episodes of House Of Cards. “If I have any gas left in the tank after dinner, I’ll get right back to it and take a stab at putting in all nine digits of my social security number.” At press time, Brooks was ready to set the forms aside for the night and get some rest so that she could get a jump on marking her marital status tomorrow.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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