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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

RUSHLAND, PA—After chipping away at her 2013 income tax return Thursday evening by entering her full name and current address into the appropriate boxes, Christine Brooks, 26, announced her intention to take a quick break. “I hate to stop the momentum I’ve built up since I started sinking my teeth into this 1040, but it’s important to clear your head from time to time so you don’t end up making any careless mistakes,” said Brooks while attempting to unwind from her session of tax preparation by watching two episodes of House Of Cards. “If I have any gas left in the tank after dinner, I’ll get right back to it and take a stab at putting in all nine digits of my social security number.” At press time, Brooks was ready to set the forms aside for the night and get some rest so that she could get a jump on marking her marital status tomorrow.

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