adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low

CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m down in the dumps,” said 30-year-old Padden, adding that without fail she can count on Texica Tacos or Phil’s Grill to make her feel better after a rough day, even drop by her apartment. “It’s such a relief that I can just pick up the phone and Gino’s Pizza will be there for me, 24/7, no matter how busy they are.” At press time, Padden confirmed that she was no longer going to call India Palace because despite its good intentions, it somehow always ended up making her feel a hundred times worse.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close