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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low

CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m down in the dumps,” said 30-year-old Padden, adding that without fail she can count on Texica Tacos or Phil’s Grill to make her feel better after a rough day, even drop by her apartment. “It’s such a relief that I can just pick up the phone and Gino’s Pizza will be there for me, 24/7, no matter how busy they are.” At press time, Padden confirmed that she was no longer going to call India Palace because despite its good intentions, it somehow always ended up making her feel a hundred times worse.

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