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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Woman Hopes Husband Doesn’t Notice She Lost Wedding Ring Finger Over Weekend

GRAND FORKS, ND—Knowing how furious he’d be the moment he noticed its absence from her hand, local woman Teri Bishop told reporters Thursday that she hoped her husband wouldn’t realize she lost her wedding ring finger over the weekend. “If Brian glances over and sees the ring finger’s gone, he’s going to be pissed, and frankly, I don’t blame him,” said Bishop, adding that while she recalled having it at the mall on Saturday, no ring finger matching its description had yet been returned to the lost and found. “This is the second time I’ve misplaced it, and I was lucky I found it on the floor of my car the first time. Maybe I’ll dig around in my purse one last time, and if it’s not there I’ll just have to get a replacement, although they cost a fortune and never look exactly like the original.” At press time, Bishop had purchased the replacement, and her husband had yet to say anything whatsoever.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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