Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Hopes Husband Doesn’t Notice She Lost Wedding Ring Finger Over Weekend

GRAND FORKS, ND—Knowing how furious he’d be the moment he noticed its absence from her hand, local woman Teri Bishop told reporters Thursday that she hoped her husband wouldn’t realize she lost her wedding ring finger over the weekend. “If Brian glances over and sees the ring finger’s gone, he’s going to be pissed, and frankly, I don’t blame him,” said Bishop, adding that while she recalled having it at the mall on Saturday, no ring finger matching its description had yet been returned to the lost and found. “This is the second time I’ve misplaced it, and I was lucky I found it on the floor of my car the first time. Maybe I’ll dig around in my purse one last time, and if it’s not there I’ll just have to get a replacement, although they cost a fortune and never look exactly like the original.” At press time, Bishop had purchased the replacement, and her husband had yet to say anything whatsoever.

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