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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Woman In Burqa Condemns Woman In Chador

GHAZNI, AFGHANISTAN—Outraged by the recent loosening of dress codes in her country, burqa wearer Uliya Salah condemned fellow Afghani Raheela Asaad Monday for appearing in public wearing an upper-face-revealing chador.

The burqa-wearing Salah, who is outraged by Asaad's (far right) immodest dress.

"Just look how she dresses, the bridge of her nose visible for all the world to see," said Salah, watching Asaad walk past her in downtown Ghazni. "Has she no shame?"

Not wanting to risk the chance that a stranger might be forced to hear a woman's voice, Salah whispered her indignant remarks through the small mesh square in her garment.

"Perhaps one could wear that sort of thing in the deepest recesses of one's home, where even male family members are not allowed," Salah said. "But doing so in public like that is outrageous. The harlot may as well strip off her veil and reveal her hair to the world."

As a strict follower of Pashtun traditions, Salah said she finds it laughable that Asaad considers herself to be a devout Muslim.

"[Asaad] is clearly pursuing her darkest passions," Salah said. "Now that the Taliban is no longer here to protect their virtue, many of the women in the city have begun to walk around in shockingly immodest garb, shamelessly wearing next to nothing on their hands."

Asaad's garment was not only too revealing, Salah said, but it also bore numerous decorative touches—a mark of the sin of vanity.

"Did you see that small line of embroidery at the border of her veil?" Salah asked. "What is next? A series of stripes at the hem of the garment near the ankles? I pray to Allah that I never see the day."

Salah has been in a near-constant state of outrage since Nov. 13, when the Taliban was ousted from her village. On that day, emboldened by the Northern Alliance victory, hundreds of women threw off their conservative burqas in favor of skimpy, low-cut chadors that exposed portions of their faces.

"It is sinful for a woman to tempt a man by revealing the color of her eyes to him," Salah said. "But the women around here leave nothing to the imagination. The pupil, the iris, the cornea... It's all right out there in the open for men to ogle."

Now that dressing less conservatively no longer carries the risk of public whipping, Asaad said she may wear jewelry or Western fashions beneath her chador.

"It is an important part of both my religion and my culture to observe full hajib," said Asaad, who has worn traditional garb since she was 13. "I keep my body covered when in the presence of men. In the mosque, I am careful to keep my eyes lowered at all times. But it would be nice to wear something different once in a while, like a shoe with an attractive but respectful heel."

Salah was outraged by the notion.

"Only whores of Babylon wear heels!" Salah said. "Under the Taliban, it was illegal to wear high heels or any other shoe that produces a sound when walking, because a man must not hear a woman's footsteps. What is this world coming to?"

Asaad said she is eager to return to her old life, before she was confined to her house and only allowed outside when escorted by a male relative.

"Of course, there are many things women should not do, like watch television or go to dances or read Western fashion magazines," Asaad said. "But I did miss being able to leave the house."

Asaad said she also hopes to return to school-teaching, which was her occupation before the Taliban forbade women from working.

"I taught math and reading and other subjects to young girls," Asaad said. "I taught them how to read the words of the prophet Mohammed and how to be a devoted follower of Islam."

Salah questioned Asaad's claims of devotion to Islam, citing a scandal in which she was involved last year. In May 2000, despite restrictions against women being examined by men, Asaad was caught attempting to see a male physician for treatment of kidney stones. It was only through a large bribe to Taliban officials and a three-month period of seclusion in a neighboring village that she escaped execution.

"It makes me sick to look at women like Raheela Asaad," Salah said. "She deserved no less a punishment than death for her blasphemy."

Despite the scandal and her liberal interpretation of Islamic law, Asaad said she is not ashamed of her actions.

"I am proud to be a modern woman," Asaad said. "I believe that women should be allowed to attend the university, so long as the school provides a separate area for women to sit in and they do not speak to the instructor before being spoken to. I even think it is acceptable for a young woman to ride a bicycle, provided she is out in the country where no man can view it. This is the 21st century, after all."

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