adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman In Coffee Shop Judges A Record 147 People

PORTLAND, OR—Clarissa Nantz, a clothing buyer for Nordstrom's and a coffee-shop regular, broke her own record for judgmental behavior when she judged 147 fellow customers, passersby, and motorists in an almost constant stream of criticism during the 25 minutes it took her to enjoy a soy-mocha frappachesso at Portland's Eagle's Roast Monday. "Oh, God, lady, who cuts your hair—you? And nice laugh, by the way. That must really get them rolling back at the barnyard," said Nantz, whose previous under-her-breath-judgments record was 134. A young man dressed in a secondhand bowling shirt, a woman who poured several Splendas into her fat-free latte, and an elderly man with a broken leg were similarly unspared. Nantz is poised to break her record Sunday at her husband's family reunion.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close