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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While attending the first session of Women’s Kickboxing Boot Camp at a local fitness center Monday evening, area woman Laurie Woods told reporters she could already tell she’d be whining in the morning about how sore she is. “After this many cardio intervals, you can bet I’ll be complaining out loud to friends and acquaintances about my muscle stiffness as soon as I get up,” said the 32-year-old brand manager, adding that with all the power squats she’s doing, there’s no way she won’t be carrying on about her aching quads when she sits down at her desk tomorrow and throughout the remainder of the workday. “Thank God it was only a 30-minute intro session and not a full hour, otherwise I know I’d be audibly wincing from the pain every time I walked past one of my coworkers’ cubicles until they asked me what was wrong. Still, I can tell it’s going to be a pretty tough morning full of griping over how much it hurts to do almost anything.” Upon finishing her class and leaving the the gym, Woods said she could already feel specific complaints about her sore back and shoulders formulating in her mind.

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