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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While attending the first session of Women’s Kickboxing Boot Camp at a local fitness center Monday evening, area woman Laurie Woods told reporters she could already tell she’d be whining in the morning about how sore she is. “After this many cardio intervals, you can bet I’ll be complaining out loud to friends and acquaintances about my muscle stiffness as soon as I get up,” said the 32-year-old brand manager, adding that with all the power squats she’s doing, there’s no way she won’t be carrying on about her aching quads when she sits down at her desk tomorrow and throughout the remainder of the workday. “Thank God it was only a 30-minute intro session and not a full hour, otherwise I know I’d be audibly wincing from the pain every time I walked past one of my coworkers’ cubicles until they asked me what was wrong. Still, I can tell it’s going to be a pretty tough morning full of griping over how much it hurts to do almost anything.” Upon finishing her class and leaving the the gym, Woods said she could already feel specific complaints about her sore back and shoulders formulating in her mind.

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