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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While attending the first session of Women’s Kickboxing Boot Camp at a local fitness center Monday evening, area woman Laurie Woods told reporters she could already tell she’d be whining in the morning about how sore she is. “After this many cardio intervals, you can bet I’ll be complaining out loud to friends and acquaintances about my muscle stiffness as soon as I get up,” said the 32-year-old brand manager, adding that with all the power squats she’s doing, there’s no way she won’t be carrying on about her aching quads when she sits down at her desk tomorrow and throughout the remainder of the workday. “Thank God it was only a 30-minute intro session and not a full hour, otherwise I know I’d be audibly wincing from the pain every time I walked past one of my coworkers’ cubicles until they asked me what was wrong. Still, I can tell it’s going to be a pretty tough morning full of griping over how much it hurts to do almost anything.” Upon finishing her class and leaving the the gym, Woods said she could already feel specific complaints about her sore back and shoulders formulating in her mind.

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