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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—While attending the first session of Women’s Kickboxing Boot Camp at a local fitness center Monday evening, area woman Laurie Woods told reporters she could already tell she’d be whining in the morning about how sore she is. “After this many cardio intervals, you can bet I’ll be complaining out loud to friends and acquaintances about my muscle stiffness as soon as I get up,” said the 32-year-old brand manager, adding that with all the power squats she’s doing, there’s no way she won’t be carrying on about her aching quads when she sits down at her desk tomorrow and throughout the remainder of the workday. “Thank God it was only a 30-minute intro session and not a full hour, otherwise I know I’d be audibly wincing from the pain every time I walked past one of my coworkers’ cubicles until they asked me what was wrong. Still, I can tell it’s going to be a pretty tough morning full of griping over how much it hurts to do almost anything.” Upon finishing her class and leaving the the gym, Woods said she could already feel specific complaints about her sore back and shoulders formulating in her mind.

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