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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy

CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the past nine years. "Greg's such a sweetheart; breaking things off suddenly would just be too cruel," said Oster, who began emotionally distancing herself from Norfolk in 2003 after concluding they just weren't cut out for a long-term relationship. "I know it won't be easy for him, but this year I think it's time for me to sit Greg down, tell him we need to talk, and then gently broach the subject of how we both might benefit from a little more alone time. Then, three years from now, I'll be able to bring up the idea of seeing other people, explaining that it could be a way for us to learn more about ourselves and improve our own relationship. That should pave the way for me to suggest we take a break in 2017." Sources confirmed Norfolk has no plans to tell Oster that he has been regularly cheating on her for the past seven years.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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