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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy

CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the past nine years. "Greg's such a sweetheart; breaking things off suddenly would just be too cruel," said Oster, who began emotionally distancing herself from Norfolk in 2003 after concluding they just weren't cut out for a long-term relationship. "I know it won't be easy for him, but this year I think it's time for me to sit Greg down, tell him we need to talk, and then gently broach the subject of how we both might benefit from a little more alone time. Then, three years from now, I'll be able to bring up the idea of seeing other people, explaining that it could be a way for us to learn more about ourselves and improve our own relationship. That should pave the way for me to suggest we take a break in 2017." Sources confirmed Norfolk has no plans to tell Oster that he has been regularly cheating on her for the past seven years.

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