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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Woman In Ninth Year Of Letting Boyfriend Down Easy

CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the past nine years. "Greg's such a sweetheart; breaking things off suddenly would just be too cruel," said Oster, who began emotionally distancing herself from Norfolk in 2003 after concluding they just weren't cut out for a long-term relationship. "I know it won't be easy for him, but this year I think it's time for me to sit Greg down, tell him we need to talk, and then gently broach the subject of how we both might benefit from a little more alone time. Then, three years from now, I'll be able to bring up the idea of seeing other people, explaining that it could be a way for us to learn more about ourselves and improve our own relationship. That should pave the way for me to suggest we take a break in 2017." Sources confirmed Norfolk has no plans to tell Oster that he has been regularly cheating on her for the past seven years.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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