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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night

URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting late,” said Fulton, adding that while maybe nothing would happen, there was no point in chancing it. “If I’m going out for the evening, I stick to familiar thoughts I can trust, especially if I’ve been drinking. I definitely don’t want to be wandering my mind aimlessly—one wrong turn can mean disaster.” Fulton went on to say there were headspaces that were so unsettling, she keeps her distance from them even in broad daylight.

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