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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night

URBANA, IL—Saying there are places it’s best to avoid once the sun goes down, local woman Annabelle Fulton told reporters Friday that she knows to stay away from certain parts of her own psyche at night. “Just to be safe, I always make a point of steering clear of dark areas of my subconscious once it starts getting late,” said Fulton, adding that while maybe nothing would happen, there was no point in chancing it. “If I’m going out for the evening, I stick to familiar thoughts I can trust, especially if I’ve been drinking. I definitely don’t want to be wandering my mind aimlessly—one wrong turn can mean disaster.” Fulton went on to say there were headspaces that were so unsettling, she keeps her distance from them even in broad daylight.

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