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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind

SAN MARCOS, CA—Issuing a flurry of apologies, equivocations, and statements downplaying her intelligence, local 28-year-old Jessica Knoll reportedly launched into a four-minute self-deprecating preamble Tuesday before sharing her thoughts with a group of colleagues. “I’m clearly not an expert here, and you all are certainly more informed about the issue than I am,” said Knoll, deferring to the others in attendance before segueing into a 45-second-long explanation of why she “may very well not have a good handle on these things.” “I mean, I have a general sense of what the problem is—and Keith, maybe you can clarify it for me—but really, this is pretty much just a guess on my part.” After finally voicing her opinion, Knoll reportedly backtracked immediately when a coworker questioned part of her statement, causing her to look downward while nodding her head and saying “sure.”

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