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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind

SAN MARCOS, CA—Issuing a flurry of apologies, equivocations, and statements downplaying her intelligence, local 28-year-old Jessica Knoll reportedly launched into a four-minute self-deprecating preamble Tuesday before sharing her thoughts with a group of colleagues. “I’m clearly not an expert here, and you all are certainly more informed about the issue than I am,” said Knoll, deferring to the others in attendance before segueing into a 45-second-long explanation of why she “may very well not have a good handle on these things.” “I mean, I have a general sense of what the problem is—and Keith, maybe you can clarify it for me—but really, this is pretty much just a guess on my part.” After finally voicing her opinion, Knoll reportedly backtracked immediately when a coworker questioned part of her statement, causing her to look downward while nodding her head and saying “sure.”

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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