adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind

SAN MARCOS, CA—Issuing a flurry of apologies, equivocations, and statements downplaying her intelligence, local 28-year-old Jessica Knoll reportedly launched into a four-minute self-deprecating preamble Tuesday before sharing her thoughts with a group of colleagues. “I’m clearly not an expert here, and you all are certainly more informed about the issue than I am,” said Knoll, deferring to the others in attendance before segueing into a 45-second-long explanation of why she “may very well not have a good handle on these things.” “I mean, I have a general sense of what the problem is—and Keith, maybe you can clarify it for me—but really, this is pretty much just a guess on my part.” After finally voicing her opinion, Knoll reportedly backtracked immediately when a coworker questioned part of her statement, causing her to look downward while nodding her head and saying “sure.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close