Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands. “Oh, how I ache for those papery, peeling hands to lovingly graze my cheek,” said Mitkin, pining for the moment when her beloved would embrace her once more and gently rub the small of her back with rough, chapped fingers that flaked off skin with each stroke. “At night, I fall asleep to fantasies of his alligator-hide touch. I just can’t go on much longer without feeling his parched, calloused palms with their raw, visibly-bleeding cracks on my body.” At press time, Mitkin was yearning for the intoxicating scent of the medicated ointment that her boyfriend applies before bed.

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