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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Woman Longs For Caress Of Boyfriend’s Dry, Cracked, Bleeding Hands

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands. “Oh, how I ache for those papery, peeling hands to lovingly graze my cheek,” said Mitkin, pining for the moment when her beloved would embrace her once more and gently rub the small of her back with rough, chapped fingers that flaked off skin with each stroke. “At night, I fall asleep to fantasies of his alligator-hide touch. I just can’t go on much longer without feeling his parched, calloused palms with their raw, visibly-bleeding cracks on my body.” At press time, Mitkin was yearning for the intoxicating scent of the medicated ointment that her boyfriend applies before bed.

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