adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Looks Great For A 32-Year-Old

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Acquaintances and coworkers of local resident Jenny Scribba cannot get over how vibrant she looks, considering the fact that she is 32 years old.

Scribba, who is already 32.

"That girl is 32? No way," 24-year-old Arden Rice, a waitress at a local diner that Scribba frequents, said Monday. "You're joking. I never would've guessed she was over 30! She looks so great."

Sources say many people are incredulous when they hear that Scribba, who is still quite attractive, is actually 32. It's hard to believe, but true: Scribba was born in 1972, the year of the Watergate break-in and the Israeli Olympic team massacre, yet she possesses a trim figure and a smooth, unlined face.

"Jenny hardly looks a day over 27," said neighbor and University of Minnesota student Bethany Weber, 21. "Where are her wrinkles? You can sort of see little lines around her eyes when she smiles, but they disappear when she stops. I hope I look that good when I'm her age."

Continued Weber: "I have this older cousin who was a total hunk in high school. But now he's 35, and he looks like Popeye. Jenny gives me something to aspire to. I wonder if she uses, like, Oil Of Olay or something. I don't think she's had any work done."

Scribba, an assistant designer at a commercial-graphics firm with a relaxed dress code, frequently wears jeans, T-shirts, and casual skirts like those worn by women 10 or even 20 years younger than she is.

"Normally, when I see a 32-year-old woman dressed like [Scribba], I think, 'Give it up. You're old,'" intern Kimberly Kleutgen, 18, said. "But Jenny manages to pull it off."

"When we go out for drinks after work, Jenny sometimes has to show ID along with the younger employees," 21-year-old coworker Judd Truman said. "Keep in mind, this is a woman who learned to walk years before the commercial availability of VCRs, when Billie Jean King was the world's top female tennis player and people purchased music on 8-track tapes."

According to Truman, Scribba's friendliness and enthusiasm also lead people to assume that she's younger than 32.

"Jenny doesn't act like most older people," Truman said. "She's totally willing to joke around, and she never looks down on you for having a good time."

"In fact, she's into a lot of the same things my friends and I like," Truman continued. "When they played [OutKast's] 'The Way You Move' at the office party, she was totally dancing with us. Believe it or not, it wasn't embarrassing. It didn't come off like she was desperately clinging to her fading youth at all. In fact, it was almost like she was in her element. She's still totally able to enjoy herself. That's so cool."

The reason for Scribba's youthful appearance is unknown. Heredity is most likely not a factor, as her parents, Edina residents Michael and Madeleine Scribba, both suffer from the dry, wrinkled skin, bony hands, and sagging chests that old people usually have.

"Jenny's a lovely girl," Madeleine, 60, said as her 63-year-old husband nodded in assent. "I've always said that."

Scribba said she does not avoid foods that contribute to premature aging, such as alcohol, meat, and junk food. According to Truman, Scribba regularly eats pizza, M&Ms, and even doughnuts.

"I once saw her eat an entire plate of fettuccine Alfredo," Truman said. "That stuff is just swimming with free radicals, you know. I would think that someone Jenny's age would avoid cheese and salt, but it doesn't seem to affect her."

Asked about her beauty regimen, Scribba seemed reluctant to give away any of her secrets.

"Uh, well, I don't know, nothing too special," Scribba said. "I guess I try to get enough sleep. I eat a good breakfast, and I ride my bike when the weather is nice. I go to the movies at least a couple times a month. Oh, and I wear sunscreen."

"Yeah, I can't believe I'm 32 already," Scribba added. "All the same, I can't tell you what I'll be doing at 40. Married? Kids? Who knows? It's still too far off to even speculate."

The age-defying Scribba turns 33 next February, but shows no signs of slowing. In the coming weeks, she plans to paint her apartment, attend a family reunion in Biloxi, MS, and get her hair cut.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close