adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient

DENVER—Trying to show empathy, Marilyn Rossum, 42, informed coworker and recently diagnosed breast-cancer patient Georgia Anderson, 40, that she participated in a breast-cancer walk-a-thon in 2001. "Oh, Georgia, I'm so sorry," Rossum told Anderson upon hearing the news Monday. "A few years back, I did the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer, and there were so many brave women like you who were afflicted or survivors, and it was just so moving." Rossum added that her efforts raised nearly $80 for breast-cancer research.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close