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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Woman Not Going To Let Husband Of 60 Years Drag Her Into Death At Same Time

Davison says there’s “no way” she’s dying alongside her beloved husband.
Davison says there’s “no way” she’s dying alongside her beloved husband.

TACOMA, WA—Sitting at the bedside of her ailing husband Roger, whom she first met at a school dance in 1951, local woman Jeanie Davison told reporters Wednesday that when the time comes for her beloved spouse of 60 years to pass on, she has no intention of letting him drag her into death at the same time.

“Roger and I have shared our entire lives together, but just because he dies doesn’t mean I have to die too, right then and there,” Davison, 79, said of the man she considers her best friend and “other half.” “I’ll be there to see him off to heaven when the time comes, and I’ll meet him there eventually. But I’ve got another five years at least.”

“I know that someday we’ll be together for all eternity,” Davison added. “It’s not going to be 15 minutes after he passes on, though. I think that’s a bit hasty.”

Davison said that while she is deeply saddened by the thought of life without her closest companion, she acknowledged that she was actually pretty capable of imagining how things would be without him, especially in two or three years when she has adjusted to her new routine. In addition to visiting friends more often and reading, Davison said she would definitely spend more time watching her grandkids grow up, enjoyable activities she is reluctant to sacrifice just so she can breathe her last breath at the very same moment her husband does.

In fact, Davis confirmed that if she still feels as healthy as she does right now, she plans to make her first-ever visit to Redwood National Park once Roger dies, a trip she would be unable to take if she were lying in bed, looking over at her husband’s now-empty rocking chair, and waiting to join him.

“I’ll stay by his side until his very last second as a testament to our love, but after that, I’m moving on with things,” Davison told reporters, adding that dying together holding hands had genuinely never even occurred to her. “When he says, ‘See you soon,’ I’ll smile and nod, but honestly, it won’t be that soon. I feel great. As much as I love Roger, now’s not the time.”

“I sometimes ask myself if it’s even worth going on without him,” Davison said. “And the answer’s always, yes, I think it is, at least for a little while—probably longer.”

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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