Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom

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Vol 40 Issue 17

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference. "Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired Killer magazine. "Striking the occipital was fine in the easygoing '90s—an audible thump and a sloppily collapsing body fit the casual feel of the times," read the article by Jonathan Grecco. "But the elegant silence of a strangle kill, and the skill that its proper execution demands, are too-too today, especially when a monofilament line is used to modernize this classic." The May issue also features 10 Ways First-Time Trigger-Men Screw Up A Body Disposal.

Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description

SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless amounts of Dave's shit isn't part of his job description. "I'm sorry, but I didn't come to the Second Cup just so [store manager] Dave [Shaw] could use me as his personal slave," Bowen said. "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend." Bowen added that he was hired as a barista, and maintenance work is so not what he's paid to do.

Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the garbage can at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the principal" before the semester's end.

National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?

You're Fired!

You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your final answer?" I've been saying it to everyone: my friends, my mailman, and even my mom! And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob!

Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime

Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to coordinate the efforts of America's intelligence and defense agencies and report directly to the president. I was, and continue to be, in a unique position to understand the threats and dangers our nation faces. It is with utmost confidence and sincerity that I assure each and every one of you that there was no way the federal government could have prevented the horrific events of Sept. 11 without accruing an enormous amount of overtime.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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Woman Overcomes Years Of Child Abuse To Achieve Porn Stardom

VAN NUYS, CA—Psychologists agree that children who are neglected or abused by their caretakers often develop long-term mental-health problems. Childhood trauma frequently leads to emotional problems such as depression, feelings of worthlessness, underachievement, and detachment from reality. But some victims find the strength to rise above tragedy. One such survivor is Katrina Foechelman, an attractive 22-year-old who has overcome years of sexual abuse to achieve something most women only dream of: a featured role in a top-selling pornographic video.

Foechelman, who has risen above childhood adversity to make a name for herself in adult films.

"Yeah, I've been through some bad shit, but now I'm living large," said Foechelman, whom fans know as Trina Foxxx. "I got a great house in the Hollywood Hills and a lot of fancy-ass clothes. Everywhere I go, people know my name, whether I'm signing autographs at an adult-video convention or doing a feature dance at Spearmint Rhino. And you should see the car I drive—that's a Corvette, baby. Nothing but the best for Trina Foxxx."

Added Foechelman: "As long as you believe in yourself, the San Fernando Valley is the land of opportunity."

To see Foechelman, winner of a 2003 Adult Video News Award for Best Multiple Anal, you'd never guess this smiling, glamorous, club-hopping sex starlet was sexually abused from the age of 7. Strutting confidently in her high heels, mini-skirt, and visible thong, thrusting her surgically enhanced chest out with pride, she's a source of inspiration to everyone who works with her.

"You've gotta hand it to a chick like Trina," adult-film producer Jimmy Carlyle, 51, said. "Here's a gal who's been through it all—court-ordered separation from her real mom for neglect, foster homes, and a whole series of fucked-up, sicko stepdads doing God-knows-what to her. But she's taken everything life has thrown at her with a can-do attitude that's rare in this business. In spite of the obstacles, she's made her dreams of porn stardom come true."

Added Carlyle: "Of all the girls working this industry right now, I'd put Trina in the top 10 for cocksucking, pussy-eating, and hot fucking. And when it comes to deep, gaping anals, she's in the top five. She completely deserves her success."

Foechelman said she was determined to conquer the world, in spite of the roadblocks she faced while in her teens.

"Lots of people tried to keep me down and make me feel bad about myself," Foechelman said. "Like my first stepfather, Larry. He used to, like, finger me and shit when my mom was working late. And he'd call me names, too, like 'slut' and 'whore' and 'Daddy's little fuck-toy.' Luckily, my court-appointed social worker Pam explained how it wasn't my fault, so I shouldn't let it give me, like, low self-esteem and stuff. Thanks to Pam and all the new friends I made since moving to L.A., I didn't let that fucking bastard Larry—may his sick ass rot in hell someday—keep me down. I made it to the top of the adult industry anyway."

Added Foechelman: "Now, the only time anybody calls me a 'slut,' 'whore,' or 'fuck-toy' is when I'm getting paid. And I'm not talking shit money, like back when I worked the peep-show booths. I'm talking serious money. It just goes to show you that if you keep your chin up, stay focused on your goals, and don't do too much coke, you can really turn your life around."

Foechelman ran away from a foster home in Roswell, NM, to enter the adult-film world in 1999, at age 16. While she was considered something of a prodigy by her admirers, stardom did not arrive overnight.

"I used to get discouraged, 'cause it seemed like no matter how hard I tried to please the other actors, I was always getting second billing to one of the more established girls," Foechelman said. "Even if I had more minutes on the video, I never got star billing. Sometimes, it would make me think that Larry—oh, and Mom's new boyfriend John, and Uncle Marty, and that asshole whose kids I used to babysit when I was 11—were right about me. They said I'd never amount to nothing."

But Foechelman refused to give up.

"I kept a positive mental attitude," Foechelman said. "I said 'Yes, I can!' whenever they asked me to do extreme shit, like taking two cocks in my ass at once, or doing an ATM [Ass To Mouth] and gang-bangs. By the time I was actually 18, I had my name on the cover of Butt Fuck Sluts Go Nuts, Vol. 41. I was so psyched to have finally earned myself a reputation!"

Foechelman's star has only continued to rise. Over the weekend, she filmed the titular roles in Trina Wants It, Trina Takes It Deep, and A Filthy Trailer-Trash Bitch Named Trina. Finally, her dream of stardom has become a reality.

"I got it all now: diamond jewelry, champagne, guys grabbing all over me at the dance clubs, you name it," Foechelman said. "I showed those assholes who said I'd never amount to anything, the fucking pricks. Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. You can't keep a good woman down."

"If only that sick fuck Larry could see me now," Foechelman added. "Come to think of it, Killer Cum Shots sold 20,000 copies, so I guess he probably has."

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