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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Woman Probably Just Made Up Rape Story In Order To Get Threatening Emails

CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails. “I’m sure she saw the opportunity to get tons of vicious, verbally abusive messages from complete strangers, so she just decided to lie and say she was raped,” said area resident Richard Becker, adding that the 28-year-old most likely invented all the horrific details of her purported assault as a cry for anonymous commenters to relentlessly attack everything about her, from her character and body to her drinking habits and sexual history. “She’s obviously full of shit. She plays the victim card and then—poof—just like that, she’s instantly showered with hate-filled posts on her Facebook page calling her an ugly slut and encouraging her to kill herself. That’s exactly what she wants.” When informed that Hutchins had filed a police report, undergone a physical examination, and subjected herself to multiple questionings by authorities, Becker shook his head and told reporters it just goes to show how far some women will go to have their personal information leaked online so that crazed strangers can come to their homes and intimidate them in person.

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