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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Woman Probably Just Made Up Rape Story In Order To Get Threatening Emails

CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting the alleged victim must have an ulterior motive, numerous residents told reporters Thursday that local woman Beth Hutchins probably made up her story about being raped just so she could receive a barrage of threatening emails. “I’m sure she saw the opportunity to get tons of vicious, verbally abusive messages from complete strangers, so she just decided to lie and say she was raped,” said area resident Richard Becker, adding that the 28-year-old most likely invented all the horrific details of her purported assault as a cry for anonymous commenters to relentlessly attack everything about her, from her character and body to her drinking habits and sexual history. “She’s obviously full of shit. She plays the victim card and then—poof—just like that, she’s instantly showered with hate-filled posts on her Facebook page calling her an ugly slut and encouraging her to kill herself. That’s exactly what she wants.” When informed that Hutchins had filed a police report, undergone a physical examination, and subjected herself to multiple questionings by authorities, Becker shook his head and told reporters it just goes to show how far some women will go to have their personal information leaked online so that crazed strangers can come to their homes and intimidate them in person.

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