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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult contemporary single "You Are Sensitive," a keening ballad of unrequited yearning Blunt wrote on the back of a take-away food container and recorded for the purposes of contractual obligation. "God, I get goose bumps every time he sings, 'But something in this frozen world denies me your arms, your heart, your touch,'" Vandermood said of the lyrics Blunt came up with while on his Ibiza, Spain toilet. "When that comes on my iPod, it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. I've never heard anything so beautiful in all my life." The appreciation of Vandermood and several million other listeners for Blunt's tossed-off lyrics had netted the singer-songwriter $11 million as of Monday.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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