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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult contemporary single "You Are Sensitive," a keening ballad of unrequited yearning Blunt wrote on the back of a take-away food container and recorded for the purposes of contractual obligation. "God, I get goose bumps every time he sings, 'But something in this frozen world denies me your arms, your heart, your touch,'" Vandermood said of the lyrics Blunt came up with while on his Ibiza, Spain toilet. "When that comes on my iPod, it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. I've never heard anything so beautiful in all my life." The appreciation of Vandermood and several million other listeners for Blunt's tossed-off lyrics had netted the singer-songwriter $11 million as of Monday.

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