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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult contemporary single "You Are Sensitive," a keening ballad of unrequited yearning Blunt wrote on the back of a take-away food container and recorded for the purposes of contractual obligation. "God, I get goose bumps every time he sings, 'But something in this frozen world denies me your arms, your heart, your touch,'" Vandermood said of the lyrics Blunt came up with while on his Ibiza, Spain toilet. "When that comes on my iPod, it's all I can do to keep myself from crying. I've never heard anything so beautiful in all my life." The appreciation of Vandermood and several million other listeners for Blunt's tossed-off lyrics had netted the singer-songwriter $11 million as of Monday.

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