Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 32

Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him

OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business, crowbarring the door off of a Radio Shack, and some punk drives by and calls 911 on his cell phone," Patton said. "If it was his car I was breaking into, I could see him getting involved, but this is bullshit." While in custody, Patton added that he wishes he had noted the color and model of the informant's car, so he could express his irritation to the driver in person.

Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia.

Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time

COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party Saturday, O'Neill assured her that she has blackouts all the time. "It's no big deal," O'Neill said Tuesday. "Sure, I had a bit too much too drink, but I got to work Monday fine. No need to worry." O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy.

Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Spring

Woman Proud Of Horrible Tan

PORTAGE, WI—Local resident Stacy Nielsen takes great pride in her deep, dark, horrible suntan, the 28-year-old sales associate revealed Tuesday.

Nielsen shows off her revolting suntan.

"I worked hard all summer to get this tan," said Nielsen, her wide smile threatening to crack her sun-dried, rusty-orange face. "It's not like you can just lay out whenever. To get an even tan, you have to know when to go tanning, and what to expose when."

Nielsen frequently offers coworkers advice on proper flipping procedures, tanning oils, and skin moisturizers.

"I guess you could call tanning an addiction for me," added Nielsen, crossing a leg that resembled a hot dog forgotten on a gas grill. "But I just can't stand to look like a ghost."

Despite having taken no vacation this summer, Nielsen has managed to "get a little color," impressing her coworkers at Reliant Consumer Health Products.

"Stacy looks amazing," said fellow sales associate Judy Haskins, overlooking the obvious flaking and discoloration of Nielsen's epidermis, perhaps in an unconscious attempt to cope with her colleague's increasingly reptilian appearance. "I just don't see how she finds the time. I guess, unlike me, she has the type of complexion the sun loves."

Haskins is not the only one to unfavorably compare his or her own light skin to Nielsen's withered husk.

"I thought I had a tan, but I'm two shades lighter than Stacy," said Don Rourke, his eyes glued to the sandpapery skin revealed by Nielsen's clothing. "Well, if you ever need me to help put suntan lotion on your back, Stacy, just give me a call."

Stretching her arms over her head to reveal her ghastly burnt-ochre armpits, the sun-raped Nielsen related some tricks sunbathers can use to prematurely age their skin and increase their risk of skin cancer.

"I catch a few rays over the lunch hour if the sun's out," Nielsen said. "Then, if I have a little time after work, I drive out to the lake and relax on the pier with a Diet Coke. And, of course, I sun a lot during the weekends—at home and at the lakeshore. I make sure I'm out there during peak hours. I don't burn easily, so sunscreen isn't really necessary."

Nielsen said she looks forward to the Caribbean cruise she will take with her boyfriend in January.

"It's going to be so great getting out of Wisconsin," the leather-handbag-like Nielsen said. "By that time of the year, I'm so faded, it's embarrassing."

"I don't want to look horrible my first day on the beach, so I probably should use a sunless tanning lotion before I go," Nielsen added, twirling a hay-like stalk of blonde hair around her finger.

Dr. Helen Rasmussen, a Rochester-based clinical psychologist who specializes in sun-related psychological disorders, attributed Nielsen's ardent cultivation of her horrible tan to a broad phenomenon she calls "Climate Overcompensation Syndrome."

"People who live in cold regions are often beset with complexes over their climates," Rasmussen said. "Therefore, we see things like Wisconsinites who wear floral-print shorts during a brief snap of unseasonably warm February weather, and sorority sisters in Michigan whose keggers always seem to incorporate plastic leis and Wayfarer shades. Climate Overcompensation Syndrome results in the public nudity along mosquito-plagued Minnesota lakes, and the Key West screensaver popular with office workers in Illinois."

Statements made by Nielsen's boyfriend, hardware-store manager Curt Kleis, seem to support Rasmussen's theory.

"I'm going to spend as much time as possible outside with my beach bunny while we have the chance," said Kleis, using a moniker which would imply that Nielsen is a nubile, attractively sun-kissed maiden. "Before we know it, winter will be here and we'll be stuck inside with nothing to do."

"We're definitely going back to the nude beach at Mazomanie a few more times," said Kleis with a wink, oblivious to the sickening impact of his words. "Stacy wanted to work more on her 'all-over tan,' if you know what I mean."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More