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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Woman Puts Cool Whip Containers To Every Conceivable Use

TERRE HAUTE, IN–According to neighbors, Terre Haute homemaker Barb Lake puts empty Cool Whip non-dairy whipped-topping tubs to a staggering array of uses. "She stores leftovers in them, pots plants in them, keeps sewing supplies in them," next-door neighbor Paula Brearly said Monday. "Last year, she made Halloween masks with them. Oh, and she turned them into musical instruments for her daughter's Brownie troop." Brearly added that she has "no clue" how Lake manages to go through so much Cool Whip in the first place.

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