Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Woman Rearranging Condiments In Refrigerator Door Like Puzzle In Ancient Tomb

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Carefully inspecting the rows in hopes of deciphering the right configuration among thousands, local woman Mary Molatino was reportedly rearranging the condiments in her refrigerator door Friday like she was working on a puzzle in an ancient tomb. The 26-year-old, as if sorting glyphs to reveal the mysterious pattern that would unlock a pharaoh’s burial chamber, began by twisting a bottle of salad dressing edgewise and sliding it against the light mayonnaise, a maneuver that left room for the newly purchased jar of cornichons and, if her hunch was correct, the Sriracha sauce. According to sources, Molatino then paused to consider the difficult task that still lay before her, in the manner of a seasoned archaeologist keenly aware that the crypt of a king would not easily yield to the desecration of a trespasser. Leaving the large butter dish undisturbed as though it were a chalice honoring the sun god Ra that could trigger a booby trap if tampered with, Molatino swapped a squeeze bottle of ketchup with a container of almond milk, at which point it dawned on her that everything would fit into place if she slightly tilted the wine bottle, stacked the jam jars, and then delicately wedged the olive jar between the Vitamin Waters and the edge of the shelf. At press time, brimming with the satisfaction one might have at being the first to solve a 5,000-year-old riddle, Molatino suddenly heard an unearthly rumble from the ice machine.

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