adBlockCheck

Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.
Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.

Discovered in her apartment by a friend Tuesday evening, the woman, identified as 33-year-old Blair Bishop of Atlanta, was rushed to the hospital with critical aesthetic defects said to require immediate surgical attention.

“Over the course of 14 hours, our team performed a series of vital corrective procedures aimed at treating the patient’s multiple imperfections as quickly as possible,” lead surgeon Dr. Andre Fox told reporters following the arduous operating session, which included an emergency rhinoplasty, a chemical peel, and several urgent nips and tucks. “Despite her dire prognosis upon arrival, her physical features have stabilized, and we expect that once all the swelling goes down, we’ll be able to upgrade her condition.”

“Our hope now is that the cosmetic surgery she has undergone today will give her a shot at one day living a normal life,” he added.

After diagnosing Bishop with numerous flaws, surgeons were reportedly confronted with a race against time as they operated, forced to provide rapid medical interventions to prevent their patient from developing a permanently plain face or figure.

Hospital officials said that in addition to her less-than-ideal breasts, Bishop was found to have a perilously uneven complexion, startling wrinkles near her eyes and mouth, and even slight traces of cellulite around her thighs and midsection—conditions that can rapidly become conspicuous if left untreated.

“We knew right away we had to address her irksome frown lines, as well as the attention-diverting blemishes on her arms, legs, and neck,” said consulting surgeon Dr. Charles Howe, who was called in to the hospital late Tuesday night to assist his colleagues. “But once she was on the operating table, we discovered unsightly bulges on her torso and abdomen, and we knew the situation was far more serious than we had anticipated.”

Observing that Bishop’s plight illustrated many of the problems facing the current health care system, Howe explained that his patient, already in her mid-30s, should have been offered treatment “much, much sooner.”

That lack of preventative care, he said, made it necessary for a team of dermatologists and plastic surgeons to work around the clock, conducting at least 17 separate procedures to lift her brows and eyelids, inject silicon enhancements into her morbidly undersized cheekbones and lips, and complete a high-priority breast augmentation.

After shaving a quarter-inch of cartilage from the bridge of Bishop’s nose at 10:30 this morning, physicians said they were finally able to send her to the recovery room.

“I don’t know what Blair would have done without those doctors,” said Bishop’s friend Amy Levine, who called 911 last night after finding her at home in a thoroughly undesirable physical state. “When I first saw her like that, I was so scared—there was something about her whole body type that just wasn’t working for her, you know? I’m so glad I happened to stop by when I did.”

Doctors confirmed that during the first year of her recovery, Bishop will need to undergo numerous procedures in order to control dangerously garish inconsistencies in her skin tone and texture. Beyond that period, they said, she will require frequent follow-up visits to receive preventative Botox injections.

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” Howe said. “Though Ms. Bishop may learn to manage her debilitating aesthetic shortcomings, she’ll most certainly need to continue having regular cosmetic surgery for the rest of her life.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close