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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.
Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.

Discovered in her apartment by a friend Tuesday evening, the woman, identified as 33-year-old Blair Bishop of Atlanta, was rushed to the hospital with critical aesthetic defects said to require immediate surgical attention.

“Over the course of 14 hours, our team performed a series of vital corrective procedures aimed at treating the patient’s multiple imperfections as quickly as possible,” lead surgeon Dr. Andre Fox told reporters following the arduous operating session, which included an emergency rhinoplasty, a chemical peel, and several urgent nips and tucks. “Despite her dire prognosis upon arrival, her physical features have stabilized, and we expect that once all the swelling goes down, we’ll be able to upgrade her condition.”

“Our hope now is that the cosmetic surgery she has undergone today will give her a shot at one day living a normal life,” he added.

After diagnosing Bishop with numerous flaws, surgeons were reportedly confronted with a race against time as they operated, forced to provide rapid medical interventions to prevent their patient from developing a permanently plain face or figure.

Hospital officials said that in addition to her less-than-ideal breasts, Bishop was found to have a perilously uneven complexion, startling wrinkles near her eyes and mouth, and even slight traces of cellulite around her thighs and midsection—conditions that can rapidly become conspicuous if left untreated.

“We knew right away we had to address her irksome frown lines, as well as the attention-diverting blemishes on her arms, legs, and neck,” said consulting surgeon Dr. Charles Howe, who was called in to the hospital late Tuesday night to assist his colleagues. “But once she was on the operating table, we discovered unsightly bulges on her torso and abdomen, and we knew the situation was far more serious than we had anticipated.”

Observing that Bishop’s plight illustrated many of the problems facing the current health care system, Howe explained that his patient, already in her mid-30s, should have been offered treatment “much, much sooner.”

That lack of preventative care, he said, made it necessary for a team of dermatologists and plastic surgeons to work around the clock, conducting at least 17 separate procedures to lift her brows and eyelids, inject silicon enhancements into her morbidly undersized cheekbones and lips, and complete a high-priority breast augmentation.

After shaving a quarter-inch of cartilage from the bridge of Bishop’s nose at 10:30 this morning, physicians said they were finally able to send her to the recovery room.

“I don’t know what Blair would have done without those doctors,” said Bishop’s friend Amy Levine, who called 911 last night after finding her at home in a thoroughly undesirable physical state. “When I first saw her like that, I was so scared—there was something about her whole body type that just wasn’t working for her, you know? I’m so glad I happened to stop by when I did.”

Doctors confirmed that during the first year of her recovery, Bishop will need to undergo numerous procedures in order to control dangerously garish inconsistencies in her skin tone and texture. Beyond that period, they said, she will require frequent follow-up visits to receive preventative Botox injections.

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” Howe said. “Though Ms. Bishop may learn to manage her debilitating aesthetic shortcomings, she’ll most certainly need to continue having regular cosmetic surgery for the rest of her life.”

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