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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.
Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.

Discovered in her apartment by a friend Tuesday evening, the woman, identified as 33-year-old Blair Bishop of Atlanta, was rushed to the hospital with critical aesthetic defects said to require immediate surgical attention.

“Over the course of 14 hours, our team performed a series of vital corrective procedures aimed at treating the patient’s multiple imperfections as quickly as possible,” lead surgeon Dr. Andre Fox told reporters following the arduous operating session, which included an emergency rhinoplasty, a chemical peel, and several urgent nips and tucks. “Despite her dire prognosis upon arrival, her physical features have stabilized, and we expect that once all the swelling goes down, we’ll be able to upgrade her condition.”

“Our hope now is that the cosmetic surgery she has undergone today will give her a shot at one day living a normal life,” he added.

After diagnosing Bishop with numerous flaws, surgeons were reportedly confronted with a race against time as they operated, forced to provide rapid medical interventions to prevent their patient from developing a permanently plain face or figure.

Hospital officials said that in addition to her less-than-ideal breasts, Bishop was found to have a perilously uneven complexion, startling wrinkles near her eyes and mouth, and even slight traces of cellulite around her thighs and midsection—conditions that can rapidly become conspicuous if left untreated.

“We knew right away we had to address her irksome frown lines, as well as the attention-diverting blemishes on her arms, legs, and neck,” said consulting surgeon Dr. Charles Howe, who was called in to the hospital late Tuesday night to assist his colleagues. “But once she was on the operating table, we discovered unsightly bulges on her torso and abdomen, and we knew the situation was far more serious than we had anticipated.”

Observing that Bishop’s plight illustrated many of the problems facing the current health care system, Howe explained that his patient, already in her mid-30s, should have been offered treatment “much, much sooner.”

That lack of preventative care, he said, made it necessary for a team of dermatologists and plastic surgeons to work around the clock, conducting at least 17 separate procedures to lift her brows and eyelids, inject silicon enhancements into her morbidly undersized cheekbones and lips, and complete a high-priority breast augmentation.

After shaving a quarter-inch of cartilage from the bridge of Bishop’s nose at 10:30 this morning, physicians said they were finally able to send her to the recovery room.

“I don’t know what Blair would have done without those doctors,” said Bishop’s friend Amy Levine, who called 911 last night after finding her at home in a thoroughly undesirable physical state. “When I first saw her like that, I was so scared—there was something about her whole body type that just wasn’t working for her, you know? I’m so glad I happened to stop by when I did.”

Doctors confirmed that during the first year of her recovery, Bishop will need to undergo numerous procedures in order to control dangerously garish inconsistencies in her skin tone and texture. Beyond that period, they said, she will require frequent follow-up visits to receive preventative Botox injections.

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” Howe said. “Though Ms. Bishop may learn to manage her debilitating aesthetic shortcomings, she’ll most certainly need to continue having regular cosmetic surgery for the rest of her life.”

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