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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Woman Rushed Into Cosmetic Surgery With 8 Glaring Flaws

Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.
Surgeons say it was a race against time to make Bishop look more glamorous.

ATLANTA—A local woman is in stable condition this morning after undergoing emergency cosmetic surgery to repair eight glaring flaws, doctors at Emory University Midtown Hospital said Wednesday.

Discovered in her apartment by a friend Tuesday evening, the woman, identified as 33-year-old Blair Bishop of Atlanta, was rushed to the hospital with critical aesthetic defects said to require immediate surgical attention.

“Over the course of 14 hours, our team performed a series of vital corrective procedures aimed at treating the patient’s multiple imperfections as quickly as possible,” lead surgeon Dr. Andre Fox told reporters following the arduous operating session, which included an emergency rhinoplasty, a chemical peel, and several urgent nips and tucks. “Despite her dire prognosis upon arrival, her physical features have stabilized, and we expect that once all the swelling goes down, we’ll be able to upgrade her condition.”

“Our hope now is that the cosmetic surgery she has undergone today will give her a shot at one day living a normal life,” he added.

After diagnosing Bishop with numerous flaws, surgeons were reportedly confronted with a race against time as they operated, forced to provide rapid medical interventions to prevent their patient from developing a permanently plain face or figure.

Hospital officials said that in addition to her less-than-ideal breasts, Bishop was found to have a perilously uneven complexion, startling wrinkles near her eyes and mouth, and even slight traces of cellulite around her thighs and midsection—conditions that can rapidly become conspicuous if left untreated.

“We knew right away we had to address her irksome frown lines, as well as the attention-diverting blemishes on her arms, legs, and neck,” said consulting surgeon Dr. Charles Howe, who was called in to the hospital late Tuesday night to assist his colleagues. “But once she was on the operating table, we discovered unsightly bulges on her torso and abdomen, and we knew the situation was far more serious than we had anticipated.”

Observing that Bishop’s plight illustrated many of the problems facing the current health care system, Howe explained that his patient, already in her mid-30s, should have been offered treatment “much, much sooner.”

That lack of preventative care, he said, made it necessary for a team of dermatologists and plastic surgeons to work around the clock, conducting at least 17 separate procedures to lift her brows and eyelids, inject silicon enhancements into her morbidly undersized cheekbones and lips, and complete a high-priority breast augmentation.

After shaving a quarter-inch of cartilage from the bridge of Bishop’s nose at 10:30 this morning, physicians said they were finally able to send her to the recovery room.

“I don’t know what Blair would have done without those doctors,” said Bishop’s friend Amy Levine, who called 911 last night after finding her at home in a thoroughly undesirable physical state. “When I first saw her like that, I was so scared—there was something about her whole body type that just wasn’t working for her, you know? I’m so glad I happened to stop by when I did.”

Doctors confirmed that during the first year of her recovery, Bishop will need to undergo numerous procedures in order to control dangerously garish inconsistencies in her skin tone and texture. Beyond that period, they said, she will require frequent follow-up visits to receive preventative Botox injections.

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” Howe said. “Though Ms. Bishop may learn to manage her debilitating aesthetic shortcomings, she’ll most certainly need to continue having regular cosmetic surgery for the rest of her life.”

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