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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face

RUTLAND, VT—Coworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her face. "Whenever you talk to Audrey, she'll sort of tilt her head away from you, or if she's sitting down, she'll cup her hand over her cheek," said Marcia Doland, Foss' supervisor at Rutland Heating and Cooling. "You can tell she's really self-conscious about that...well, whatever it is. She shouldn't be." In an informal office poll, nearly all of her coworkers agreed that Foss is pretty, even with the thing.

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