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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face

RUTLAND, VT—Coworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her face. "Whenever you talk to Audrey, she'll sort of tilt her head away from you, or if she's sitting down, she'll cup her hand over her cheek," said Marcia Doland, Foss' supervisor at Rutland Heating and Cooling. "You can tell she's really self-conscious about that...well, whatever it is. She shouldn't be." In an informal office poll, nearly all of her coworkers agreed that Foss is pretty, even with the thing.

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