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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Woman Sensitive About That Thing On Her Face

RUTLAND, VT—Coworkers of administrative assistant Audrey Foss, 28, reported Monday that she is "very sensitive" about that thing on the right side of her face. "Whenever you talk to Audrey, she'll sort of tilt her head away from you, or if she's sitting down, she'll cup her hand over her cheek," said Marcia Doland, Foss' supervisor at Rutland Heating and Cooling. "You can tell she's really self-conscious about that...well, whatever it is. She shouldn't be." In an informal office poll, nearly all of her coworkers agreed that Foss is pretty, even with the thing.

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