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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to just go ahead and set up a Google alert for the actor. “It’s a pretty great tool because whenever something happens with Kevin Costner, I’ll know right away instead of having to wait for it to show up in my newsfeed,” Clifford said of Google’s notification feature, which is configured to send an email to her inbox every hour with the latest articles, blog posts, and news stories mentioning the Dances With Wolves star. “Sure, I can always type ‘Kevin Costner’ into Google News whenever I want updates, but is it really necessary to go through all that rigamarole? There’s technology out there to simplify the things we do most often, so if I can avoid searching for Kevin Costner news 15 or 20 times a day, then why not sign up?” At press time, Clifford reportedly said Costner’s role in the 1996 film Tin Cup was mentioned in a blog post on the website Yahoo! Sports.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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