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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host

CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office receptionist disclosed Tuesday. "I'm sympathetic and an excellent listener, but I'm also not afraid to set somebody straight with a swift kick in the pants when it's called for," Bergtraum told coworker Alice Lehmann. "Plus, I'm totally high-energy and live to crack people up. Just ask any of my girlfriends." Bergtraum, whose show would be called Suzanne, said she "just [has] a way with people."

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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