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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color

LOS FELIZ, CA—After nearly six years of expensive treatments and dozens of visits to top professional stylists, local woman Denise LaMarck, 32, tragically succumbed to her natural hair color, her friends reported this morning. “She fought valiantly against her brown hair for a long time, but no matter how hard she tried to beat it, her roots just kept coming back, month after month,” childhood friend Brittany Smith told reporters, noting that LaMarck would often appear blonde and happy for weeks on end before her natural shade would suddenly reappear, prompting her to rush back to the salon for an emergency touchup. “In the beginning she looked great—you would never guess she was a natural brunette unless she brought it up. But all those harsh chemicals and that constant foiling took a devastating physical toll, and she could only endure so much. In the end, she decided to just make peace with her hair color, discontinue her treatments, and let it grow out all the way.” Friends said they will always keep around a picture of LaMarck as a blonde so they can remember her “the way she would have wanted.”

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