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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant

BETHLEHEM, PA— Acknowledging that she once considered conceiving a child to be the greatest threat to her future, local woman Rebecca Davis confirmed Wednesday that she has transitioned from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can’t get pregnant. “I’m just really scared that it may never happen at this point,” said the 34-year-old woman who has closed the chapter of her adult life when the sight of a negative pregnancy test brought on a wave of pure relief and is now consumed by anxiety that she may never see a blue plus sign. “All we can do is keep trying.” At press time, a desperate Davis was reportedly picking up fertility medication from the same pharmacy where she had once frantically purchased Plan B.

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