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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Woman Turns Down $50 Million Offer From Professional Steeplechase League To Participate In Olympics

BEIJING—In a rare show of selflessness not often seen in sports, Norwegian Olympic steeplechase competitor Kristine Engeset told reporters Monday that she has turned down the four-year, $50 million offer from the New York WaterJumps—the National Woman's Steeplechase League's most elite team—in order to retain her amateur status and participate in the Beijing Olympics. "Yes, the NWSL offers national exposure, you get to travel to over 30 different cities in the United States and Canada, and you make the big money, but for me, the chance to represent your country is the ultimate privilege," said Engeset after a midday workout consisting of two hours of barrier jumping. "I told myself, the money for good steeplechasers will always be there, but the Olympics is the Olympics." According to NWSL's commissioner David Sizemore, Engeset may have another chance to participate in the Games if she turns pro in America, as there is strong national interest in sending a dream team of professional steeplechasers to London in 2012.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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