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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry

MODESTO, CA—Telling friends that she "just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago," local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday for feeling hunger, a natural urge experienced by all living creatures to ensure they consume the sustenance necessary to maintain metabolic processes and other vital biological functions. "God, I have no willpower at all," Stroud said regarding her inability to go without nourishment of any kind until the start of bikini season. "It's just my stupid brain telling me I need to eat when what I really need is another three-day cleanse." Stroud was later seen swatting her own hand as it reached out for a blueberry muffin.

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