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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Woman Who Admits To Having Watched Golden Globes Thinks Jodie Foster Embarrassed Herself

OSSINING, NY—After actually admitting to other human beings that she spent the previous night watching the entirety of the Golden Globe Awards on television, local accounting manager Sophie Rhodes announced on Monday that actress Jodie Foster had embarrassed herself. “I love Jodie Foster, but to be honest, her Lifetime Achievement speech was pretty painful to watch,” Rhodes declared before offering, without any apparent shame, her opinions on the night’s hottest red carpet looks, nominees in the Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television category, and other aspects of the three-hour-long ceremony hosted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. “It’s hard to believe she got up there in front of all those people and rambled on like that. It’s like she had no awareness of how she was coming off at all.” After explaining that she “expected a little more taste and class” from Jodie Foster, Rhodes told reporters she was glad a number of commenters on TMZ.com agreed with her assessment.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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