PHILADELPHIA—Samantha Curtis, a 29-year-old sales clerk who has reportedly cracked three separate iPhone screens over the years, is due to give birth to a baby boy this coming August, sources confirmed.
The expectant mother, who has accidentally damaged a trio of smartphone displays by either dropping her iPhone, allowing it to collide with other items in her purse, or losing control of it when absentmindedly spinning it on a tabletop, said she is “thrilled” to bring her new child into the world.
“I’m very happy,” said Curtis, who damaged her last iPhone so badly that she could barely read the screen. “David and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now, and we can’t wait to start a family.”
“It’s going to be wonderful,” she added, placing her fourth iPhone in two years on her living room coffee table.
Curtis, who habitually mishandles the expensive, fragile electronic device containing all of her contacts and important personal information, expressed unbridled enthusiasm over the impending arrival of her newborn baby. In addition to having outright shattered her iPhone on multiple occasions, Curtis has improbably managed to drop it on the sidewalk nearly 10 times in the last five weeks alone, and said she has become increasingly excited about the prospect of motherhood.
Moreover, the mom-to-be often leaves her iPhone in her car by accident.
“As magical as these last six months have been, I’m definitely looking forward to finally having the baby,” said Curtis, who in addition to regularly damaging her phone has also cracked her six-pound laptop by dropping it on her kitchen’s hard linoleum floor. “It’s crazy to think that in just a few weeks I’m going to be cradling my own child in my arms. I just can’t wait to finally meet him.”
“We’re either going to name him Jason or Gregory; we haven’t decided yet,” added Curtis, who destroyed her second iPhone by letting it slip through her fingers and into scalding hot bath water.
Though she acknowledged that being a mother will pose its challenges, the woman who has also gotten into several car accidents—some of which have left her vehicle substantially damaged—expressed confidence that she will be up to the task.
With a history of occasionally leaving her jacket at bars and restaurants, tripping and spilling the contents of her purse to the ground, forgetting to cap bottles of detergent, and having a dog who is mostly friendly but has been known to bite, Curtis told reporters that she would never let anything or anyone harm her child.
“This is a huge responsibility, and I know I’m up for it,” said Curtis, who currently has a few pen caps and three pieces of loose change scattered across her living room floor, as well as two electrical outlets she is completely unaware of. “I’ve been reading up on the topic, but I think at the end of the day the main thing about being a mom is just to give your baby all the love and affection you’ve got, and everything else will fall into place. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Whoops!” added Curtis, once again dropping her phone.