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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Woman Who Drinks 6 Cups Of Coffee Per Day Trying To Cut Down On Blue Light At Bedtime

QUINCY, MA—Saying she would stop looking at her phone and tablet at least an hour before going to sleep, local woman Carina Anielski, who drinks six cups of coffee per day, told reporters Tuesday that she was trying to cut down on blue light around bedtime. “I heard that too much blue light can really mess with your circadian rhythm, so I’m going to keep it way down,” said Anielski, who consumes a full 12 ounces of highly caffeinated beverage roughly every two hours between the cup she has upon arriving at work and the cup she consumes after dinner. “I’ve also put a filter on all my devices that blocks out blue light, so I’ve got an added layer of protection. Seriously, one blast of that stuff at the wrong time and I’m wide awake till four in the morning. I have to take some precautions.” At press time, Anielski, who also drinks at least six Diet Cokes every day, was shutting down her laptop promptly at 9 p.m.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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