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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Woman Who Had Almost Formed Healthy Sense Of Self Rejoins Social Media

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Having reportedly developed an increased sense of satisfaction with her body image, career, relationship status, and overall identity in recent months, area woman Katie Baransky came remarkably close to forming a well-adjusted, positive sense of self before rejoining social media Tuesday morning, sources confirmed. “I was thinking I might just get back on Facebook, maybe Instagram, and just casually check in from time to time,” said the 29-year-old woman whose self-esteem was right on the cusp of being healthy and is now mere days away from once again plummeting into a veritable maelstrom of jealousy, neediness, and self-loathing. “I’m just going to use it to keep in touch with friends and see what people are up to. It’s supposed to be a fun little diversion, you know? And that’s what it’s going to be for me this time.” At press time, Baransky was angrily clicking through all 43 pictures in the Facebook wedding album of a person she went to high school with while wondering why no one was “liking” her most recent status update.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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