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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That

RUTLAND, VT—Despite being seen weeping as she left the room 15 minutes ago, area woman Rebecca Fordham, 35, apparently expects to easily and unobtrusively slip right back into the party and continue socializing as if nothing had happened, sources confirmed Saturday evening. “Oh, hey guys,” said Fordham, somehow thinking she could casually just re-enter a lighthearted party conversation like everything was normal, despite her eyes now being visibly red and puffy from sobbing audibly through a locked bedroom door. “What’s everybody drinking?” At press time, sources said Fordham had excused herself from a group of friends, entered the bathroom, and begun crying again.

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