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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying that she had been using birth control pills since she was a teenager, 30-year-old Claudia Spencer told reporters Friday that she was now thinking about switching to an entirely new set of debilitating side effects. “I’ve been having painful cramps from the pill for more than a decade, so I’m thinking there might be an option out there that gives me excruciating migraines instead,” said Spencer, adding that she planned to consult with her doctor because she had heard that NuvaRing might work well at shrinking her libido and making her vomit. “I could also try an IUD, but I’m not sure it’d be worth it if I have to give up the depression I’m already experiencing from the pill just for the risk of a uterine perforation. In the end, I guess it’s just important that I go with the unbearable side effects that are right for me.” Spencer went on to say that while she liked her current anti-anxiety medication, she hoped adjusting her dosage might help completely destroy her ability to sleep.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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