Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying that she had been using birth control pills since she was a teenager, 30-year-old Claudia Spencer told reporters Friday that she was now thinking about switching to an entirely new set of debilitating side effects. “I’ve been having painful cramps from the pill for more than a decade, so I’m thinking there might be an option out there that gives me excruciating migraines instead,” said Spencer, adding that she planned to consult with her doctor because she had heard that NuvaRing might work well at shrinking her libido and making her vomit. “I could also try an IUD, but I’m not sure it’d be worth it if I have to give up the depression I’m already experiencing from the pill just for the risk of a uterine perforation. In the end, I guess it’s just important that I go with the unbearable side effects that are right for me.” Spencer went on to say that while she liked her current anti-anxiety medication, she hoped adjusting her dosage might help completely destroy her ability to sleep.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.