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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying that she had been using birth control pills since she was a teenager, 30-year-old Claudia Spencer told reporters Friday that she was now thinking about switching to an entirely new set of debilitating side effects. “I’ve been having painful cramps from the pill for more than a decade, so I’m thinking there might be an option out there that gives me excruciating migraines instead,” said Spencer, adding that she planned to consult with her doctor because she had heard that NuvaRing might work well at shrinking her libido and making her vomit. “I could also try an IUD, but I’m not sure it’d be worth it if I have to give up the depression I’m already experiencing from the pill just for the risk of a uterine perforation. In the end, I guess it’s just important that I go with the unbearable side effects that are right for me.” Spencer went on to say that while she liked her current anti-anxiety medication, she hoped adjusting her dosage might help completely destroy her ability to sleep.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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