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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better

NAPERVILLE, IL—Displaying levels of human concentration usually reserved for deciphering military codes or performing cardiac surgery, airplane passenger Amber Reyson, 37, spent several minutes Sunday studying an Us Weekly photo spread devoted to who wore a particular dress better. "It's like she was staring a hole through that thing," said fellow passenger Jim Tenler, who saw Reyson hunched over the magazine, her face contorted into an expression of deep concern, as if she were seriously and carefully appraising the appearance of each actress. "She barely even looked up when the flight attendant offered her something to drink." Tenler then reportedly put in earplugs so he could spend the rest of the flight rearranging the lineup of his fantasy baseball league undisturbed. 

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