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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better

NAPERVILLE, IL—Displaying levels of human concentration usually reserved for deciphering military codes or performing cardiac surgery, airplane passenger Amber Reyson, 37, spent several minutes Sunday studying an Us Weekly photo spread devoted to who wore a particular dress better. "It's like she was staring a hole through that thing," said fellow passenger Jim Tenler, who saw Reyson hunched over the magazine, her face contorted into an expression of deep concern, as if she were seriously and carefully appraising the appearance of each actress. "She barely even looked up when the flight attendant offered her something to drink." Tenler then reportedly put in earplugs so he could spend the rest of the flight rearranging the lineup of his fantasy baseball league undisturbed. 

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