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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better

NAPERVILLE, IL—Displaying levels of human concentration usually reserved for deciphering military codes or performing cardiac surgery, airplane passenger Amber Reyson, 37, spent several minutes Sunday studying an Us Weekly photo spread devoted to who wore a particular dress better. "It's like she was staring a hole through that thing," said fellow passenger Jim Tenler, who saw Reyson hunched over the magazine, her face contorted into an expression of deep concern, as if she were seriously and carefully appraising the appearance of each actress. "She barely even looked up when the flight attendant offered her something to drink." Tenler then reportedly put in earplugs so he could spend the rest of the flight rearranging the lineup of his fantasy baseball league undisturbed. 

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