adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Woman With Low Self-Esteem Boosts Area Man's Self-Esteem

SACRAMENTO, CA—Out-of-work tower operator Fred Jenkins, 35, who has lacked self-worth since being laid off in late 2004, found his confidence restored in a relationship with fellow AA member Stacy Lynn Parke, 33. "Stacy's so amazing—it's been so nice to have someone to take care of me and tell me how special I am," Jenkins said of Parke, a part-time Hallmark Store clerk who has attempted suicide three times. "I guess sometimes all you need is for another person to make you feel good about yourself, unconditionally." Jenkins also noted that Parke "made it seem that being laid off wasn't that big a deal" and that "sometimes she worries about me so much she just cries herself to sleep."

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close