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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman With Low Self-Esteem Boosts Area Man's Self-Esteem

SACRAMENTO, CA—Out-of-work tower operator Fred Jenkins, 35, who has lacked self-worth since being laid off in late 2004, found his confidence restored in a relationship with fellow AA member Stacy Lynn Parke, 33. "Stacy's so amazing—it's been so nice to have someone to take care of me and tell me how special I am," Jenkins said of Parke, a part-time Hallmark Store clerk who has attempted suicide three times. "I guess sometimes all you need is for another person to make you feel good about yourself, unconditionally." Jenkins also noted that Parke "made it seem that being laid off wasn't that big a deal" and that "sometimes she worries about me so much she just cries herself to sleep."

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