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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Woman With Sore Throat Thinks It Might Be Anthrax

NEW YORK—Alicia Dubrow, 23, an assistant copy editor at Shape magazine, expressed fear Monday that her recent sore throat is the result of anthrax. "I haven't had a sore throat in, like, two years, and suddenly I get one," said Dubrow, searching WebMD for information on symptoms of the disease. "I've also sort of had a backache lately, which is weird." Dubrow, who made a mental note to watch closely for reddish-brown sores, said she dropped by the Shape mailroom last Friday to grab a box of rubber bands but does not recall handling any packages.

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