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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship

CHICAGO—Admitting it took them some time to come around to the idea, the parents of local woman Laura Stevens said Wednesday that they had finally accepted their daughter’s mixed-attractiveness relationship with Kyle Baker, a man who is considerably worse-looking than she is. “To be honest, we were quite surprised when Laura brought Kyle to the house for the first time, but eventually we came around to it,” said Stevens’ mother, Janet, who noted that the pair were still met with uncomfortable stares and disapproval from other family members—especially Laura’s grandmother—at last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. “Her father was particularly upset at first, but now I think he’s learned to accept it, and he’s even grown to like Kyle. Besides, Kyle seems to make Laura happy, and that’s all that really matters.” Janet Stevens went on to say that, if the two ever got married, she would love their children no matter how average-looking they are.

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