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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server

SAN JOSE, CA—Reacting instantaneously to the potential threat before it could imperil that which she held most dear, local woman Sarah Mackelberg’s deepest primal instincts reportedly activated Friday to protect her nearly finished glass of wine from an approaching waiter. According to sources at local bistro Chez Lupo, the 29-year-old’s natural, ingrained impulses to provide safety and security were triggered immediately once she realized the vulnerable glass, which still contained a sip of a Cabernet-Merlot blend, was in imminent danger of being stripped away from her forever by the server rapidly closing in on her table. Reports indicate that, upon sensing impending trouble, Mackelberg lunged forward and wrapped both hands around the stem of the nearly empty glass to shield it from the potential abductor and drew it tight to her chest, where the remaining drops of the 2015 Sonoma County varietal would be free from harm. After clinging tightly to the glass until the threat had moved a safe distance away onto the restaurant’s patio seating area, Mackelberg reportedly let out a quiet sigh of relief, looked down tenderly at the drinking vessel, and told the red wine how much she loved it.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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