Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server

SAN JOSE, CA—Reacting instantaneously to the potential threat before it could imperil that which she held most dear, local woman Sarah Mackelberg’s deepest primal instincts reportedly activated Friday to protect her nearly finished glass of wine from an approaching waiter. According to sources at local bistro Chez Lupo, the 29-year-old’s natural, ingrained impulses to provide safety and security were triggered immediately once she realized the vulnerable glass, which still contained a sip of a Cabernet-Merlot blend, was in imminent danger of being stripped away from her forever by the server rapidly closing in on her table. Reports indicate that, upon sensing impending trouble, Mackelberg lunged forward and wrapped both hands around the stem of the nearly empty glass to shield it from the potential abductor and drew it tight to her chest, where the remaining drops of the 2015 Sonoma County varietal would be free from harm. After clinging tightly to the glass until the threat had moved a safe distance away onto the restaurant’s patio seating area, Mackelberg reportedly let out a quiet sigh of relief, looked down tenderly at the drinking vessel, and told the red wine how much she loved it.

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