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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server

SAN JOSE, CA—Reacting instantaneously to the potential threat before it could imperil that which she held most dear, local woman Sarah Mackelberg’s deepest primal instincts reportedly activated Friday to protect her nearly finished glass of wine from an approaching waiter. According to sources at local bistro Chez Lupo, the 29-year-old’s natural, ingrained impulses to provide safety and security were triggered immediately once she realized the vulnerable glass, which still contained a sip of a Cabernet-Merlot blend, was in imminent danger of being stripped away from her forever by the server rapidly closing in on her table. Reports indicate that, upon sensing impending trouble, Mackelberg lunged forward and wrapped both hands around the stem of the nearly empty glass to shield it from the potential abductor and drew it tight to her chest, where the remaining drops of the 2015 Sonoma County varietal would be free from harm. After clinging tightly to the glass until the threat had moved a safe distance away onto the restaurant’s patio seating area, Mackelberg reportedly let out a quiet sigh of relief, looked down tenderly at the drinking vessel, and told the red wine how much she loved it.

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