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Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

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Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
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Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

'We Should Know Better, But There's Just Something About Its Unflinching Misogyny,' Says Gushing Female Populace

They hate that it’s true, but women get all flushed when they think about the Republican Party making decisions about their reproductive rights.
They hate that it’s true, but women get all flushed when they think about the Republican Party making decisions about their reproductive rights.

WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can't help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party.

Smitten female voters across the nation told reporters that despite the way it treats them, they still find everything about the GOP—from its reckless, devil-may-care neglect of women's health issues to its devastatingly bold misogyny—completely irresistible.

"They openly insult me, undermine my intelligence, and act as if I lack the basic responsibility to take care of myself, but every time I hear them talking about why I shouldn't be able to choose what I do with my own body, I get a little turned on," registered voter Jennifer Wilson said. "My friends keep telling me I'll get burned like I always do when I elect guys who think their authority extends to my uterus, but there's just something unbelievably sexy about politicians who see something they want and then go out and take it."

"Sure, I could probably find a party that would respect me and be sympathetic toward my desire to make my own personal health care decisions," Wilson continued. "But what can I say? That's not what drives me wild."

While acknowledging they deserved better and were "probably going to hate [themselves] for it," many women said that when they go to the polls they simply cannot resist their deep-seated urge to vote for brazenly chauvinistic candidates who actually wish to deprive them of access to even the most commonplace forms of contraception.

According to a recent Zogby poll, 83 percent of females voters say they "just aren't ready to settle down" with a political party that has their best interests at heart, 68 percent find themselves drawn to cocksure Republican lawmakers who oppose extending the Violence Against Women Act, and 54 percent report feeling aroused "just thinking about" an elderly hard-line evangelical explaining to them how the nation's moral fabric is threatened by the sexual activity of unmarried women.

Sexist Republicans Who Make Women Swoon, left to right • Mitt Romney, Republican presidential candidate – Romney constantly changes his mind on women’s rights, and while women say his indecision can be infuriating, they also admit it’s kind of sexy. • Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) – Women know this sounds awful, but they were seriously turned on when Issa’s government panel on contraception didn’t include a single female witness. • Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI) – Upton is firmly against federal funding for abortion, and women have said his shortsightedness on the issue totally gets them going.

"I keep saying I won't let myself be put at the mercy of a political party that caters to fundamentalist Christians who believe husbands should control their wives," said Seattle attorney Connie York, explaining the difficulty of voting against a GOP presidential candidate who talks tough about shutting down Planned Parenthood cancer-screening and prenatal-care centers. "Then I step into the voting booth, draw the curtain, and…and it's just so fucking hot, I can't say no."

Added York, "There's something about pulling the lever for a man who would force you to die for the sake of saving a fetus that makes you feel like you're doing something a little bit naughty, you know?"

While experts have repeatedly warned them about the need to break this self-destructive cycle, many women admitted that come November they will likely find themselves falling for yet another wild, insolent candidate who opposes something as basic and necessary as sex education in public schools.

"They're just setting themselves up for disappointment when they do this," said sociologist Herbert Iglesias, whose research focuses on women who vote for men who would like to see them imprisoned for murder if they have an abortion after being raped. "And no matter how often they're called derogatory names or discriminated against, some of them keep going back to the same political party."

Still, some female voters said they have a more nuanced outlook on their situation.

"Ultimately, I think we just want what we can't have," middle school teacher Deborah Trillo, 37, said. "They walk all over you and break your heart anytime you have the slightest bit of hope for them, but there's always a small part of you that thinks maybe, just maybe, you'll find one who's more than just an irredeemable, narrow-minded, backward, bullying misogynist."

"Of course with my luck, they always just turn out to be gay," Trillo added.

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