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Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

'We Should Know Better, But There's Just Something About Its Unflinching Misogyny,' Says Gushing Female Populace

They hate that it’s true, but women get all flushed when they think about the Republican Party making decisions about their reproductive rights.
They hate that it’s true, but women get all flushed when they think about the Republican Party making decisions about their reproductive rights.

WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can't help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party.

Smitten female voters across the nation told reporters that despite the way it treats them, they still find everything about the GOP—from its reckless, devil-may-care neglect of women's health issues to its devastatingly bold misogyny—completely irresistible.

"They openly insult me, undermine my intelligence, and act as if I lack the basic responsibility to take care of myself, but every time I hear them talking about why I shouldn't be able to choose what I do with my own body, I get a little turned on," registered voter Jennifer Wilson said. "My friends keep telling me I'll get burned like I always do when I elect guys who think their authority extends to my uterus, but there's just something unbelievably sexy about politicians who see something they want and then go out and take it."

"Sure, I could probably find a party that would respect me and be sympathetic toward my desire to make my own personal health care decisions," Wilson continued. "But what can I say? That's not what drives me wild."

While acknowledging they deserved better and were "probably going to hate [themselves] for it," many women said that when they go to the polls they simply cannot resist their deep-seated urge to vote for brazenly chauvinistic candidates who actually wish to deprive them of access to even the most commonplace forms of contraception.

According to a recent Zogby poll, 83 percent of females voters say they "just aren't ready to settle down" with a political party that has their best interests at heart, 68 percent find themselves drawn to cocksure Republican lawmakers who oppose extending the Violence Against Women Act, and 54 percent report feeling aroused "just thinking about" an elderly hard-line evangelical explaining to them how the nation's moral fabric is threatened by the sexual activity of unmarried women.

Sexist Republicans Who Make Women Swoon, left to right • Mitt Romney, Republican presidential candidate – Romney constantly changes his mind on women’s rights, and while women say his indecision can be infuriating, they also admit it’s kind of sexy. • Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) – Women know this sounds awful, but they were seriously turned on when Issa’s government panel on contraception didn’t include a single female witness. • Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI) – Upton is firmly against federal funding for abortion, and women have said his shortsightedness on the issue totally gets them going.

"I keep saying I won't let myself be put at the mercy of a political party that caters to fundamentalist Christians who believe husbands should control their wives," said Seattle attorney Connie York, explaining the difficulty of voting against a GOP presidential candidate who talks tough about shutting down Planned Parenthood cancer-screening and prenatal-care centers. "Then I step into the voting booth, draw the curtain, and…and it's just so fucking hot, I can't say no."

Added York, "There's something about pulling the lever for a man who would force you to die for the sake of saving a fetus that makes you feel like you're doing something a little bit naughty, you know?"

While experts have repeatedly warned them about the need to break this self-destructive cycle, many women admitted that come November they will likely find themselves falling for yet another wild, insolent candidate who opposes something as basic and necessary as sex education in public schools.

"They're just setting themselves up for disappointment when they do this," said sociologist Herbert Iglesias, whose research focuses on women who vote for men who would like to see them imprisoned for murder if they have an abortion after being raped. "And no matter how often they're called derogatory names or discriminated against, some of them keep going back to the same political party."

Still, some female voters said they have a more nuanced outlook on their situation.

"Ultimately, I think we just want what we can't have," middle school teacher Deborah Trillo, 37, said. "They walk all over you and break your heart anytime you have the slightest bit of hope for them, but there's always a small part of you that thinks maybe, just maybe, you'll find one who's more than just an irredeemable, narrow-minded, backward, bullying misogynist."

"Of course with my luck, they always just turn out to be gay," Trillo added.

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