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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Women's Gymnastics: The New Baseball?

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—As baseball continues to die a slow, strangled death across the country, many are correctly wondering if women's gymnastics has finally taken its rightful place atop the athletic consciousness of the nation. "As I was watching a baseball contest between my favorite team and its top rival, I felt a persistent emptiness that only lifted when I changed the channel to the delicate grace and power of Cheng Fei's uneven bars routine," said American resident Brian Johnson, bedecked in a Chinese women's gymnastics warm-up jacket and Cheng Fei replica jersey. Added Eastern American city resident Fred Smith, "Baseball is the national pastime of a dying nation. Now when there is a bright, sunny summer day, the only thing I desire is to take my son into the gymnasium to watch Deng Linlin take some practice vaults or get He Kexin's signature on a rosin bag. I have already burned by childhood mitt and my collection of bats. Baseball is a fleeting memory." The entire country is also steadfastly agreed that Shawn Johnson is an ungainly lumbering musk ox and American women's gymnastics remains worthless.鱼

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