Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

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Vol 37 Issue 09

Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly

HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange song coming from a mockingbird in a big spruce across the street from St. Luke's Hospital," bird watcher Bob Ausmus said. "After a minute or two, I realized it was one of those multi-sound car alarms–he did the staccato one, the slowly rising one, the buzzing one. He must have picked it up from one of the BMWs in the parking lot." Ornithologists predict that the alarm song will spread to millions of birds and be handed down for centuries to come.

Dubious Inclusions Damage Credibility Of Entire Record Collection

HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic merit, friend Rob Appel reported Monday. "He's got tons of awesome stuff, everything from [X-Ray Spex's] Germ Free Adolescents to [Al Green's] Call Me," Appel said of the 750-plus CD library. "But then, smack-dab in between The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy & The Lash and Portishead's Dummy is Poison's Greatest Hits." Continued Appel: "Before I could ask him what the hell it was doing there, I spot Hell Freezes Over by The Eagles. That record alone negates the coolness of Brian Eno's Here Come The Warm Jets and The Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace Of Sin."

Insufferable Prick Distinctly Said No Cilantro

NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday that he did not want cilantro on his avocado salad. "I have to be downtown for a meeting in 30 minutes," the fucking cockbiter told waitress Natalie Elson while handing back the salad. "Could we please get it right this time?" The colossal shit went on to exhibit his displeasure by leaving a four percent tip.

No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK—Despite Hurculean efforts to find any scraps of J. Lo information, reporters conceded that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?

The Meat-Substitute Boom

With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items amount meat-shunning Americans?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly designed to pander to prurient interests." "It's obvious that this was just a thinly veiled excuse to have women claw at each other and tear each other's shirts off," Decatur resident Charles Fenig said of the inmate uprising, during which one guard was fatally stabbed and six others held hostage for more than three hours. "I expect more from our women's prisons than this sort of cheap, exploitative 'caged heat.'" Critics also panned prison warden Barb Hofstadt, calling her "a textbook sadistic, bull-dyke warden straight out of central casting."

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