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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator

NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check. “It never even occurred to me that this strike would have such an impact on my ability to discreetly pleasure myself during rush hour,” said Waters, adding he was suddenly forced to take stock of just how much he depended on women when rubbing his genitals beneath a jacket on his lap. “I see now that I’ve taken for granted the women I masturbate to each and every day, and it’s time I started appreciating what they do for me. I always knew I needed them—I just had no idea how much.” At press time, Waters was touching himself with a new sense of gratitude while looking at the model in a small display ad for a technical college.

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