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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator

NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check. “It never even occurred to me that this strike would have such an impact on my ability to discreetly pleasure myself during rush hour,” said Waters, adding he was suddenly forced to take stock of just how much he depended on women when rubbing his genitals beneath a jacket on his lap. “I see now that I’ve taken for granted the women I masturbate to each and every day, and it’s time I started appreciating what they do for me. I always knew I needed them—I just had no idea how much.” At press time, Waters was touching himself with a new sense of gratitude while looking at the model in a small display ad for a technical college.

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