adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator

NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check. “It never even occurred to me that this strike would have such an impact on my ability to discreetly pleasure myself during rush hour,” said Waters, adding he was suddenly forced to take stock of just how much he depended on women when rubbing his genitals beneath a jacket on his lap. “I see now that I’ve taken for granted the women I masturbate to each and every day, and it’s time I started appreciating what they do for me. I always knew I needed them—I just had no idea how much.” At press time, Waters was touching himself with a new sense of gratitude while looking at the model in a small display ad for a technical college.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close