adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie

DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything. “No one’s going to even notice,” said Randall, who, as part of a “#DumpInfinityWar” social media campaign, will defiantly refuse to see the third installment of the popular Marvel franchise due to the repeated exclusion of Wolverine as a result of 20th Century Fox’s ownership of X-Men characters’ film rights.“If they really want to change things, they should find a valid reason to protest and actually do something real. They’re all clearly just doing it to feed their own egos.” Randall, who blasted the women’s strike as a “hissy fit that will accomplish absolutely zero,” added that he was monitoring previews for this summer’s Transformers: The Last Knight and would not hesitate to stay home and watch it fail miserably.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close