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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie

DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything. “No one’s going to even notice,” said Randall, who, as part of a “#DumpInfinityWar” social media campaign, will defiantly refuse to see the third installment of the popular Marvel franchise due to the repeated exclusion of Wolverine as a result of 20th Century Fox’s ownership of X-Men characters’ film rights.“If they really want to change things, they should find a valid reason to protest and actually do something real. They’re all clearly just doing it to feed their own egos.” Randall, who blasted the women’s strike as a “hissy fit that will accomplish absolutely zero,” added that he was monitoring previews for this summer’s Transformers: The Last Knight and would not hesitate to stay home and watch it fail miserably.

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