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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie

DURHAM, NC—Explaining that the global display of female solidarity will ultimately have no impact on the supposed problems it addresses, local man Lawrence Randall, who will participate in a boycott against the upcoming film Avengers: Infinity War, told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike won’t accomplish anything. “No one’s going to even notice,” said Randall, who, as part of a “#DumpInfinityWar” social media campaign, will defiantly refuse to see the third installment of the popular Marvel franchise due to the repeated exclusion of Wolverine as a result of 20th Century Fox’s ownership of X-Men characters’ film rights.“If they really want to change things, they should find a valid reason to protest and actually do something real. They’re all clearly just doing it to feed their own egos.” Randall, who blasted the women’s strike as a “hissy fit that will accomplish absolutely zero,” added that he was monitoring previews for this summer’s Transformers: The Last Knight and would not hesitate to stay home and watch it fail miserably.

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