adBlockCheck

Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

THE WOODS—An estimated 15 woodland animals gathered for an improvised oompah-band jamboree Monday.

The jovial jamboree.

Performing in a pasture just outside the forest in which they live, the "Woodland Pals," as the creatures are known, put on a rollicking musical performance characterized by whimsical merriment and irrepressible mischief.

According to reports, the gay oompah-band session was initiated by Ferdinand Fox, the group's leader. Fox, dressed in his trademark two-button short-pants, allegedly triggered the jamboree by declaring to his fellow Woodland Pals, "Hey, everybody! Let's put on a show!"

Moments after Fox's announcement, the other Pals emerged from their woodland hiding places sporting ill-fitting band uniforms and makeshift musical instruments. Among the participants were Oliver Oink, a pig who plays the Sousaphone; Rudy Rabbit on accordion; S. Cape Goat on ukulele; Fenwick Frog on harmonica; E. Pluribus Eagle on horn; the Pelican Trio on triangle; Squeaky Squirrel on percussion; and a small, feathered vocalist who remains unidentified as of press time. Fox himself conducted the band.

The rousing oompah music, which could be heard for miles around, soon attracted flora as well as fauna. A tree identified as "Teddy" swayed to and fro to the rhythm, and tulips sprouted from the soil to sing along. The sun itself reportedly grinned broadly and bounced back and forth to the merry melodies.

Approximately 10 minutes into the jubilee, the musicians were briefly interrupted by Clumsy Cat, who chased Montgomery Mouse around the bandstand. Just as Clumsy was about to pounce on Montgomery, however, the cat was killed instantly when he slammed into Teddy Tree. Clumsy's ghostly nine lives then rose out of his lifeless body and hovered above the band, strumming along to the music on their harps.

A far greater threat to the Woodland Pals came in the form of Hoofington P. McSnort, a local bull who became enraged when he discovered that his pasture was being used as the setting for the Woodland Pals' jamboree. McSnort, who has a history of antagonistic behavior toward the Pals, charged at the music-making critters, sending them scattering throughout the pasture. Though McSnort aggressively pursued all animals within his proximity, his primary target appeared to be the portly Oliver Oink, whose posterior was gored by the bull's razor-sharp horns.

McSnort was eventually subdued by Fox, who waved his red band jacket at him, prompting the bull to charge at Fox and subsequently crash head first into an anvil concealed behind the jacket.

News of the Woodland Pals' jamboree quickly spread throughout the nation's zoological community, which was electrified by the discovery of animals that possess artistic impulses and reasoning skills–qualities long believed solely the domain of humans.

"Until now, there had never existed proof that lower-order mammals were capable of performing music," University of Florida zoologist Lynn Sontag said. "Truly, this is the most remarkable case of aberrant animal behavior since Douglas Duck's birthday party in 1986."

Zoologists are also greatly intrigued by the unusual anatomical structure of the Woodland Pals.

"These creatures are undoubtedly mammals and birds," said Dr. Russell Frehling, a professor of zoology at Northwestern University. "But their anatomies are radically different from those of most quadrupeds. The fox and goat, for example, seem to consist of nothing more than a series of circles and tubes which squash and stretch as they move. The creatures may represent some sort of bizarre evolutionary throwback, though nothing in the fossil record seems to support such a theory."

Added Frehling: "I am confident that I speak for my colleagues when I say that capturing and dissecting one of these Woodland Pals should be our top priority."

Frehling could not confirm whether the Woodland Pals were in any way related to an anatomically similar cat-and-mouse duo, who in 1947 drank Jumbo-Gro plant food and grew 2,200 miles in height, devastating much of the Western Hemisphere.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close