Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

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Vol 34 Issue 01

Spiderman Distracts Dr. Octopus With Delicious Hostess Fruit Pies

NEW YORK—A major jewel heist was lip-smackingly thwarted Monday, when noted criminal overlord Dr. Octopus was brought to justice thanks to Spiderman and the irresistible taste of Hostess Fruit Pies. According to reports, Octopus and two unidentified henchmen were in the process of burgling the fabulous Wentworth Jewels from the New York Museum when Spiderman happened upon the scene and distracted the would-be thieves with a shopping bag filled with an assortment of Hostess Fruit Pies, enabling the web-slinger to capture them. "How could I resist this flaky crust... this juicy filling?" said Octopus, happily munching a cherry pie as police hauled him away in a giant spiderweb. Spiderman warned that any criminal who consumed a Hostess pie would receive a big delight in every bite.

Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—According to tests conducted by school psychologists and reading teachers, local third-grader Stephanie Franck is so mind-bogglingly stupid that she sees English text as though it were backwards. "When shown a flash card that reads 'milk,' this addle-pated dimwit responds with utterly senseless gobbledygook like 'klim,' 'kilm' and 'iklum,'" said Shore Road Elementary School psychologist Francine Grunwald. "How dumb can she be?" Grunwald has recommended that Franck be placed in one of the school's "retard-track" classes.

From The Diaries Of My Father

My father, Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel, was a great man and a beloved figure throughout the Republic, until his reputation was eclipsed by time and my own greatness. That is why, for the benefit of those born in the 20th century, I have decided to publish my Pater's diaries in book form for the first time. My column to-day features several tantalizing excerpts from his days on the rugged frontier, as well as some from his waning years.

Security Concerns At The Capitol

On July 24, Russell Weston Jr. entered the U.S. Capitol with a .38 caliber revolver and killed two guards, prompting calls for tighter security in the building that houses our nation's top lawmakers. What do you think?

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After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
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Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

THE WOODS—An estimated 15 woodland animals gathered for an improvised oompah-band jamboree Monday.

The jovial jamboree.

Performing in a pasture just outside the forest in which they live, the "Woodland Pals," as the creatures are known, put on a rollicking musical performance characterized by whimsical merriment and irrepressible mischief.

According to reports, the gay oompah-band session was initiated by Ferdinand Fox, the group's leader. Fox, dressed in his trademark two-button short-pants, allegedly triggered the jamboree by declaring to his fellow Woodland Pals, "Hey, everybody! Let's put on a show!"

Moments after Fox's announcement, the other Pals emerged from their woodland hiding places sporting ill-fitting band uniforms and makeshift musical instruments. Among the participants were Oliver Oink, a pig who plays the Sousaphone; Rudy Rabbit on accordion; S. Cape Goat on ukulele; Fenwick Frog on harmonica; E. Pluribus Eagle on horn; the Pelican Trio on triangle; Squeaky Squirrel on percussion; and a small, feathered vocalist who remains unidentified as of press time. Fox himself conducted the band.

The rousing oompah music, which could be heard for miles around, soon attracted flora as well as fauna. A tree identified as "Teddy" swayed to and fro to the rhythm, and tulips sprouted from the soil to sing along. The sun itself reportedly grinned broadly and bounced back and forth to the merry melodies.

Approximately 10 minutes into the jubilee, the musicians were briefly interrupted by Clumsy Cat, who chased Montgomery Mouse around the bandstand. Just as Clumsy was about to pounce on Montgomery, however, the cat was killed instantly when he slammed into Teddy Tree. Clumsy's ghostly nine lives then rose out of his lifeless body and hovered above the band, strumming along to the music on their harps.

A far greater threat to the Woodland Pals came in the form of Hoofington P. McSnort, a local bull who became enraged when he discovered that his pasture was being used as the setting for the Woodland Pals' jamboree. McSnort, who has a history of antagonistic behavior toward the Pals, charged at the music-making critters, sending them scattering throughout the pasture. Though McSnort aggressively pursued all animals within his proximity, his primary target appeared to be the portly Oliver Oink, whose posterior was gored by the bull's razor-sharp horns.

McSnort was eventually subdued by Fox, who waved his red band jacket at him, prompting the bull to charge at Fox and subsequently crash head first into an anvil concealed behind the jacket.

News of the Woodland Pals' jamboree quickly spread throughout the nation's zoological community, which was electrified by the discovery of animals that possess artistic impulses and reasoning skills–qualities long believed solely the domain of humans.

"Until now, there had never existed proof that lower-order mammals were capable of performing music," University of Florida zoologist Lynn Sontag said. "Truly, this is the most remarkable case of aberrant animal behavior since Douglas Duck's birthday party in 1986."

Zoologists are also greatly intrigued by the unusual anatomical structure of the Woodland Pals.

"These creatures are undoubtedly mammals and birds," said Dr. Russell Frehling, a professor of zoology at Northwestern University. "But their anatomies are radically different from those of most quadrupeds. The fox and goat, for example, seem to consist of nothing more than a series of circles and tubes which squash and stretch as they move. The creatures may represent some sort of bizarre evolutionary throwback, though nothing in the fossil record seems to support such a theory."

Added Frehling: "I am confident that I speak for my colleagues when I say that capturing and dissecting one of these Woodland Pals should be our top priority."

Frehling could not confirm whether the Woodland Pals were in any way related to an anatomically similar cat-and-mouse duo, who in 1947 drank Jumbo-Gro plant food and grew 2,200 miles in height, devastating much of the Western Hemisphere.

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