After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Woods Annoyed Daughter Was Looking Other Way When He Won PGA Championship

TULSA, OK—Though Tiger Woods told reporters he was "pleased" to win the PGA Championship last Sunday, the 13-time major winner said he was also deeply annoyed that Sam Alexis, his two-month-old daughter, was "not even paying attention" when Woods sank his tournament-winning putt on the 18th hole. "I was happy that she was there and everything, but she behaved as if she didn't even understand the gravity of the situation," said Woods, adding that his baby girl "didn't even clap" when he made a clutch birdie putt on the 15th hole and that he had even caught her giggling when he bogeyed the 14th. "Whether she likes it or not, golf is what puts a roof over her head, so I expect her to be more respectful in the future." Woods later stated, however, that he couldn't find fault with his daughter's apathetic feelings towards the upcoming FedEx Cup events, saying that he himself thinks of it as a forced and unoriginal attempt to inject excitement into the final part of the golf season.

After Birth

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