adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wooo, UNC And Duke Played Each Other Last Weekend, Oooh Oooh Oooh

DURHAM, NC—Oh, man, totally the most exciting thing in the whole entire basketball world and maybe the whole universe ever, dude, happened on Saturday night when the top-ranked UNC Tar Heels played the No. 5 Duke Blue Devils at Cameron Indoor Stadium and everyone everywhere could hardly keep themselves from taking their clothes off and running around the neighborhood shouting about it because that game is always so great. "I'm just drooling all over my idiot self about the greatest rivalry in sports, and also I just peed my pants," the kind of basketball fan who likes to say things like "hoops" and "Coach K" and "Cameron Crazies" and "Battle of Tobacco Road" might as well have said about the game. "Oh, hells yeah, dude-bro, as far as I know or care, this is what college basketball is all about! Awes'." North Carolina won the over-hyped but rather average game 72-68, in case you are like that asshole in the quote and you actually give a fuck.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close