CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying it has already become a fixture in his daily routine, local 27-year-old Greg Weise installed a home pull-up bar to absentmindedly tap while passing through the hallway, sources confirmed Tuesday.
DURHAM, NC—Oh, man, totally the most exciting thing in the whole entire basketball world and maybe the whole universe ever, dude, happened on Saturday night when the top-ranked UNC Tar Heels played the No. 5 Duke Blue Devils at Cameron Indoor Stadium and everyone everywhere could hardly keep themselves from taking their clothes off and running around the neighborhood shouting about it because that game is always so great. "I'm just drooling all over my idiot self about the greatest rivalry in sports, and also I just peed my pants," the kind of basketball fan who likes to say things like "hoops" and "Coach K" and "Cameron Crazies" and "Battle of Tobacco Road" might as well have said about the game. "Oh, hells yeah, dude-bro, as far as I know or care, this is what college basketball is all about! Awes'." North Carolina won the over-hyped but rather average game 72-68, in case you are like that asshole in the quote and you actually give a fuck.