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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Word ‘Innovate’ Said 650,000 Times At SXSW So Far

AUSTIN, TX—Four days into the culture and technology component of the South by Southwest festival, event organizers confirmed Monday that the word “innovate” has been spoken 650,000 times thus far. “People are saying the word ‘innovate’ at a rate of 8.2 times per second, and at that pace we can estimate it will be uttered approximately 24 million times before the festival ends,” said SXSW coordinator Lucas Bryant, who noted that the phrases “increase social engagement” and “potential game-changer” have been said 950,000 times and 230,000 times, respectively. “Additionally, we’re charting a higher-than-expected usage of such standbys as ‘interactivity,’ ‘convergence,’ and ‘paradigm.’ And I suppose it goes without saying that the numbers for ‘shifting media landscape’ have been through the roof.” Bryant additionally confirmed the absence of the less common phrases “investment model,” “practical business strategy,” and “economic realities,” which together have been mentioned a total of zero times.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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